Okaaay...I don't think I can convince anyone that I am "blogging" regularly at this point. I guess I've gotten a kind of "log" in my "blog." I have been working though, at least. Still voicing my affirmations every day, faithfully.

I've progressed farther in the book than I've blogged about so far as well. That's okay cuz I don't think anyone really checks on me. Sooo...I'll catch up and remind myself that this course is for me, and not subject to anyone's approval or validation.

I have to say though that a "sticking" point with me is that, unlike the privacy of a journal, this does give others an opportunity to read what are usually my private thoughts. This makes my being entirely honest, difficult. Well, impossible I would say.

The other issue is that the reason I am doing this, at this time in my life, has to do with the fact that my daughter has cancer and....well....dealing with that is taking a huge toll on my strength. This course, at this time, for me is about building the strength to get through this unimaginable time. I don't want to make this the focus though, or make her experience of cancer about me in any way. I do have my experience as the mother of a girl who is experiencing the illness of cancer. I think I have to talk about it, which I have avoided, mainly because I didn't want to make her illness and her battle with it about me. I know it's not about me. But....as her mom, it is....a daily struggle to get out of bed, be nice to mean people, plant a smile on my face, laugh at jokes, remain optimistic, find any joy in life at all, be strong, and mostly.... not curl up and die.

Which....brings me to Chapter Five: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

Decide to Change....This sounds easy, and in many ways, I think it is. Just make the decision to change. Easier said than done of course. It is probably the most important decision (and affirmation) in the entire course. There is an affirmation that I practice which is just "I am willing to change." Louise recommends that I say that over and over, "I am willing to change. I am willing to change. I am willing to change." She  says it's a good idea to even touch your throat as you affirm the willingness to change. I actually do this, yes, in my car even. While my left hand manages the steering wheel, my right hand is affixed to my larynx, repeating, "I am willing to change. I am willing to release old negative beliefs. They are only thoughts that stand in my way. My new thoughts are positive and fulfilling." I image people seeing me wondering if I've got one of those "voice boxes" or whether I'm rehearsing for a part in a Sci-Fi movie or something, like I'm saying, "Beam me up Scotty" or something! Don't care! I just keep doing it every day.

One area I have trouble with though, is the "mirror work." God...I look like Diana Dead Eyes whenever I look at myself and say, "I love you, I really love you" or anything really. That is so damn difficult for me! I can do it, I just look like a Puritan having sex! DEAD! Oh well, I will keep working on it because Louise Hay says that the mirror work is the most important part. I really need to work on that at home. I hate homework!

Back to Chapter 4: Louise says that one way we know affirmations are working is that "stuff" will come up. We'll get angrier, more stubborn, and withdrawn. Maybe that's what's been going on with me. She says that when this happens, we should know that we're "hitting an important point of change."

She compares the mental work I, or the reader, am doing to "housecleaning." Just as we clean our house, room by room, we should go through and examine our thoughts, one at time, throwing out the things (thoughts) we no longer need, that are no longer useful, and keeping the ones that are.

One thing my practice has helped me with is this mental "housecleaning." I am learning to observe my thoughts and even catch myself in the midst of a negative thought, and then change the thought. I feel that is really great progress for me. It is getting easier and easier to catch myself, and recognize those negative thought patterns. During this difficult time, I know this will be an extremely important skill for me to develop.

As I continue to affirm my willingness to change, and touch my throat while repeating the affirmation, I am acknowledging, by touching my throat, that I am in the process of change. She says to "be aware that where you DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE is exactly the area where you NEED to change the most." Further, it is like when you change your physical diet, like giving up junk food, and going on a good nutritional diet, you feel kind of crappy for a day or so. In the same way, when you give up old thought patterns for new, better, healthier ones, your circumstances can feel a little worse for a while. This is normal apparently and a good sign that what you're doing is working.

Here's the exercise for this chapter:

Wiling to Change - First, go look in the mirror and say, "I am willing to change."  Louise says to notice how you feel when you say that. (I feel okay with this one....still look like an Ice Princess though) She says to notice if you feel resistant or hesitant or you just don't want to change, ask yourself why. What old belief are you holding on to? Now she says to go back to the mirror, hand on throat, look deep into your own eyes and say out loud ten times, "I am willing to release all resistance."

The reason mirror work is so important, Louise says, is because "when we were children, we received most of our negative messages from others looking us straight in the eye and maybe even shaking a finger in our face. Whenever we look at ourselves in the mirror today, we will usually say something critical or negative to ourselves." WOW! This is an AHA moment for me! I'm onboard with the mirror work!

I decided to change up the affirmation cards I use every day for a while. A couple of them that I really like are:

"As I move through the layers of other people's opinions and beliefs, I see within myself a magnificent being, wise and beautiful. I love what I see in me."

And,

"I free myself and everyone in my life from old past hurts. They are free and I am free to move into new, glorious experiences."

So, I'll end with the end of chapter, or is it beginning of the next chapter, affirmation:

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. I now choose calmly and objectively to see my old patterns, and I am willing to make changes. I am teachable. I can learn. I am willing to change. I choose to have fun doing this. I choose to react as though I have found a treasure when I discover something else to release. I see and feel myself changing moment my moment. Thoughts no longer have any power over me. I am the power in the world. I choose to be free. All is well in my world."

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. The past has no power over me because I am willing tho learn and to change. I see the past as necessary to bring me to where I am today. I am willing to begin where I am right now to clean the rooms of my mental house. I know it does not matter where I start, so I now begin with the smallest and the easiest rooms, and in that way I will see results quickly. I am thrilled to be in the middle of this adventure, for I know I will never go through this particular experience again. I am willing to set myself free. All is well in my world."

"All is well in my world" has become my "go-to" mantra. I'm just saying'.... Even if it doesn't feel real to say that, if I really think about it, all really is well in my world. When I consider the problems and suffering of others, some close to me, I tend to be much more appreciative of the world in which I live. Even when my world seems darkest, I do not have to look far away to see someone who suffers in ways I cannot imagine. Anyway....

Chapter 4 - Is It True?


"Truth is the unchangeable part of me."


This chapter is a continuation of the self-examination that began with Chapters 2 & 3 which dealt with identifying the problem and where it came from. Don't forget, the real problem being, not loving yourself (well, myself). I discovered that a lot of what I learned about myself, my beliefs, about myself came from messages I received from the adults around me when I was young. This makes perfect sense to me and helps me realize that I have to identify those "broken records" I play over and over, and then change my "tune" (how's that little play on words?).

I have been faithfully reciting my affirmations on my way to work every day; all 14 cards. However, I have fallen off on the practice of "loving" myself in the mirror and "loving" my bed every morning. I'm going to get back on the wagon though. It seems I allowed this to happen possibly when I loaned my car to my Kelly to use to drive to Atlanta to see Gina for the week. In my own car, I was listening to the "Heal Your Life" course on CD and it seemed to have helped my stay focused on all the affirmations Louise teaches. Kelly's car doesn't have the CD player, so well, addicts do "fall off the wagon" many times before they are able to change the behavior, and I believe we (I) am addicted to certain thought patterns.

Okay, so the question of, "Is it true?" What I read in this chapter is that, it is true if we believe it is, and it is not true if we don't. Whatever we believe becomes true for us.

(Can I just stop here and say that one of the places I get myself "tripped up" here, is that I read this wonderful, meaningful information, and then rather than think about my beliefs, etc., I keep thinking of others and where they are going "wrong." That is a pretty big trap for me. I become distracted from what I  am working on for myself by allowing my ego to imagine what everyone is doing around me and where their issues are stemming from. Wow! Gotta stop that shit!)

Back to business....

Some of what Louise says here about problems as they are related to beliefs are: (for example) you may say that you have no friends. That may be your view if your belief is that nobody loves you. If you experience a lot of financial difficulty, that may stem from a belief that you are not worthy of having money. Since reading this chapter, twice now, I still struggle with what my beliefs are about myself, and relating them to issues in my life. I know that I have some very negative memories of messages I received when I was little. I also, thankfully, received some really wonderful, loving messages that were life saving for me during difficult times.

I remember as a child feeling like I didn't matter much. I felt basically, invisible. I didn't ask for much, so of course I didn't get much. I believe that I unknowingly contributed to the negative beliefs I developed because I just didn't ask for what I wanted, or tell anyone what I needed. I felt that my family didn't really know me at all. Eventually, I began to see myself as just a really private person. I have had some feelings of resentment, not strongly, but still there, at the idea that the people closest to me didn't take the time to get to know me. I still struggle with this in my marriage. I get really pissed, or I used to get really pissed, that my husband couldn't tell anyone things about me (accurately) that I thought he should know. Is that really realistic of me to have had those expectations of my family and my husband? If I'm not willing to share much information, there is no way anyone can really know me.

I think I have wanted, expected, people to prove to me that I matter, or that they love me, by paying close enough attention to me to know my likes and dislikes.

So, is it true that the people closest to me did, or do not, take the time to get to know me? Am I invisible? Do I not matter? Only if it is true for me. That makes sense. No one can impose their truth on me. Louise says that "Whatever the problem is, it comes from a thought pattern, and thought patterns can be changed. It may feel true, it may seem true...However, no matter how difficult an issue we are dealing with, it is only an outer result or the effect of an inner thought pattern.

She recommends that what I need to ask myself is, "Is it true for me now?" and "Where did that belief come from?"

The thing is though, I am actually an optimist! It may not seem like it, but I really am. I think a lot of my negative thought patterns are more about not feeling loved, or not feeling good enough. I know where these came from and that is what I work on most. Thankfully, because I am an optimistic person, I also believe that if I practice what Louise teaches here, that I will learn to love myself and overcome the negative thought patterns I tend to have.

If those thought patterns, the negative beliefs, can be changed into positive, happy thought patterns, then there is no reason that this same system of beliefs, that whatever we believe becomes true for us, won't work as well on the subconscious as the old, negative beliefs did.

If I wake up and declare that it's going to be a crappy day, then how can I expect it to be a good day? I've already decided. Louise says, "If we want a joyous life, we must think joyous thoughts. If we want a loving life, we must think loving thoughts. Whatever we send out mentally or verbally will come back to us in like form."

She writes that I should pay attention to my thoughts; catch myself, and then ask myself if I would want whatever I'm thinking to become true for me? I think a good time to catch myself in action here would be when someone comes in to my work and feels entitled to take their bad mood out on me. That can be really hurtful, and has had the effect of making me feel badly about myself for a while. It can feel embarrassing to have someone "go off" on you. I have to choose to allow that person the power to make me feel bad. And if I react with anger, that is what I'll get back. (I'll most likely have a chance to practice this one tomorrow.)

When it comes to choosing our thoughts, Louise says we should imagine ourselves in line at a cafeteria, where there a lots of choices, like so many different kinds of foods to choose from. Just as we can choose what foods to put on our plate, we get to choose the thoughts we think. She says that when we choose thoughts that are bad for us, it's just like choosing foods that make us sick. That doesn't make any sense at all. Why would we choose anything that is bad for us?

My thoughts "diet" is something I need to learn to choose wisely, so I'll end this blog with an affirmation:

"I lovingly balance my mind and my body. I now choose thoughts that make me feel good." :)

Haven't "blogged" in a few days, so I'm behind a little in this part of my lesson, but I've been really committed to the work, so I'm happy with that. I read Chapter's 3 & 4, so that's what I'll work on here.

Before I go any further though, I just have to say that I love the Power Thought affirmation cards! Call me crazy (go ahead, you know you want to anyway! teehee) but I feel them working. It's not easy to describe though. I'm going to repeat that I have used them in the past and came to the same realization. I already believe in the power they have over the subconscious. It's, I don't know, crazy in an amazing kind of way, how they seem to become true for me as I say them over and over. And I don't think it matters if they appear to be true to anyone other than myself, because what matters is how I feel. I feel better when I say them out loud. I'm also noticing a softening, if you will, in the way I am being treated by someone I love very much, but have not felt a lot of love or patience from in recent years. The change is definitely there. It's a small one, but noticeable, for sure. Uhhhh.....got a lonnnggg way to go though. The point is, it feels "doable" now. Not impossible.

By the way, I thought I had chosen about 7 or 8 cards to repeat every day. Ummmm.....it's 14. 14 Cards! Wow! Anyway, I thought I might share a few. (Not gonna type 'em all. Pretty sure if you're reading this, you're glad of that.) Okay, so:

"I forgive myself. As I forgive myself, I leave behind all feelings of not being good enough, and I am free to love myself."

"As I say yes to life, life says yes to me. Life mirrors my every thought. As I keep my thoughts positive, life brings to me only good experiences."

"I am beautiful, and everybody loves me. I radiate acceptance, and I am deeply loved by others. Love surrounds me and protects me."

"I am worth loving. I do not have to earn love. I am lovable because I exist. Others reflect the love I have for myself."

"I trust the process of life. There is a rhythm and flow to Life, and I am part of it. Life supports me and brings to me only good and positive experiences. I trust the process of Life to bring me my highest good."

So, obviously, just a small sample. I think of these as "self-fulfilling prophesies" much like those that are written about in basic psychology courses. I think it's the same as the "placebo" effect as well. Many years ago, in fact published in 1902, James Allen wrote a literary essay, "As a Man Thinketh." While the title is the inspiration of a verse from the Bible, the premise of the essay is definitely "new age" or "new thought." In fact, a quote from As a Man Thinketh is, "Right thinking begins with the words we say to ourselves... Every man is where he is by the law of his being; the thoughts which he has built into his character have brought him there, and in the arrangement of his life there is no element of chance, but all is the result of a law which cannot err." I guess, my point is that these ideas about how we "speak" to ourselves is nothing new at all. I really think a lot of this is common sense. For so long, I have listened to all the "bad" records I play in my head; all the repetitive thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough. (Everybody does it!) I'm changing the record. Oh, maybe I should say, Compact Disc!

Chapter 3: Where does it come from?

"The past has no power over me."

Louise begins the chapter with reminding us of how we were as a baby. How perfect we were, how we asked for whatever we needed, how we were the "center of the universe" and we knew it! As babies, we "freely expressed our emotions", and "were full of love."

Along the way, as we grew, our thoughts changed as we received messages from the adults around us. She tells us that those adults, that gave us all those negative thoughts were doing the best they knew how to do, with the understanding, and awareness they had. As Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better." The same is true for me. As I look back over my life, I realize that the older I become, the more I know, and the better choices I make as my understanding expands.

One thing I found really helpful that Louise Hay says, is that we need to see our parents as people who were just as scared and helpless as we are. "The only things they could possibly teach you are what they had been taught." Okay...I have thought about the "buts" here: Mainly one 'but,' the "but they were adults and knew right from wrong." Even though I still have trouble discounting that kind of "big but" (not big butt! Silly!), I have thought a great deal about this and have come to a realization: First of all, I have repeated some of the things my parents "taught" me. For one thing, I have a really tough time with relationships. My husband could confirm that. I certainly intended to do a lot of things very differently, which I have, mostly where my kids are concerned. However, like my mother, I tend to be more quiet and reserved, and have trouble speaking up for myself. And with the exception of my husband, I even have trouble speaking up for my own children at times, allowing myself the luxury of being too shy and fearful of hurting someone's feelings or having them think badly of me, by putting them in their place when they hurt my child in some way. I could write many examples of this, but the one that comes to mind, just because it's the most recent in my "parenting" history, is of a terrible time in my son's life when he was mistreated by a coach. This was life changing for him. He was just 10 years old. He had been selected for a basketball team that was made up of boys that seemed to have more talent for the sport. It was a "select" team. As it turned out, the coach was much, much too involved in being a "winner" and didn't believe that my son was quite good enough. In fact, the guy was a downright ass and behaved very badly at their games. He would get visibly angry and throw his clipboard and yell. After the games were over, he would take the team of 10 year olds to a private location and "talk" to them about the game. A little debriefing. It would be during this time that he would tell them all how badly they were doing. He would pick some regulars out, like my son, to berate in front of the team. My son began to hate playing. He would beg us not to go. He would be beg us to let him quit or at least not go to practice. We, not being quitters, would say, "No. You have to go finish out the season at least." Finally, when he could take no longer take it, HE called his coach and said, "I quit. Coach, you tell us that we're not here to have fun. We're here to win. Well, if I'm not allowed to have fun, then I don't want to play on your team. I quit." This was an outrage to the Athletic Association! I'm not kidding! We had to go before the Athletic Board because no one had ever quit the "A - Team." I'm not even sure what the "punishment" was that we were to endure, but it was made clear that this was very serious! How ludicrous is this?! This guy had abused my 10 year old child, and had encouraged other boys (by example) to taunt and bully my son which they did to the point that my child became seriously depressed. We did get him to counseling and took him out of the school, and off the team! What I didn't do though, is one of my biggest regrets (which I am overcoming with "The past has no power over me"). If I had known better, (I'll put it that way) I would have walked across that gym floor, taken my child by the hand, and gotten him out of that abusive situation the VERY FIRST TIME I witnessed that guy's misbehavior. Guess what? I wanted to do just that, but I was afraid. Afraid of what, I don't know? I guess I was afraid of what people would think. I was so busy weighing everything from what I was sure would be the mortification of my husband, to the possible mortification of my son, to the loss of friends (wow!). What did I tell/teach my son about himself as that all transpired? As he cried and begged his dad and I to take him out of that terrible, abusive situation, what were we saying to him about his self-worth? I saw the little boy I knew, the one whose hero was Michael Jordan, who had no idea he couldn't play the game just as magnificently as MJ, the boy who slept in his uniform, disappear before my eyes. He just faded into the crowd and developed a new emotion, fear. And a new realization of life that he was far too young for, failure. It took many, many years for my boy to return to me. I didn't think he ever would. At 10 years old, my son told me, while I was tucking him into bed one night, "Life just isn't fun anymore, Mom." As I write this, I can picture my mother, witnessing my dad's misbehavior, and doing nothing. Just as I did on the basketball court. Nothing. My mother loves me very much, and I know that. I love my each of my children so much it hurts sometimes. I would take a bullet for each of them, for sure! I just had trouble sticking up for them when they needed it most.

See why I can only list one example? I've written entirely too long. I think I've gotten the point of Chapter 3 though. I'll finish this chapter up with a quote from the final paragraph of the chapter:

"We are all here to transcend our early limitations, whatever they were. We're here to recognize our own magnificence and divinity no matter what they told us. You have your negative beliefs to overcome, and I have my negative beliefs to overcome."

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. The past has no power over me because I am willing to learn and to change. I see the past as necessary to bring me to where I am today. I am willing to begin where I am right now to clean the rooms of my mental house. I know it does not matter where I start, so I now begin with the smallest and the easiest rooms, and in that way I will see results quickly. I am thrilled to be in the middle of this adventure, for I know I will never go through this particular experience again. I am willing to set myself free. All is well in my world."

Ooooogod! Post #3 and I've got writer's block. (deep breath)....Okay.

Part II, Chapter 2: What is the Problem?

Really? This could be the longest post yet. Just kidding, I hope. I did have to go back and look at the "Contents" page here. Part II encompasses Chapters 2 - 9, and is, "A Session With Louise."

So, back to the Session with Louise: I think it may help to explain a little about her background. I'm not going to Wiki, I'm just going to the back of this book, actually. Louise Hay used this "method" of "loving the self" back in the early '80's working with Aids patients. These guys had no where to go where they would feel accepted, let alone loved. They had been abandoned by their families, and were treated like lepers by society at the time. She learned this method of self love therapy when she became a church counselor at The Church of Religious Science in New York. (I'm really cheating now, looking at that last chapter to find this stuff out.) Shut the front door! - She attended MIU, Maharishis' International University, in Fairfield, Iowa for 6 months! This is a college I just discovered existed recently. MIU is a college, in a town, in Iowa where people go to, of course obtain a degree in whatever, but the college focuses on Transcendental Meditation. In fact, the town that is adjacent to the college, also practices this form of meditation, even in the schools. I totally digress here, but I recently went to a meeting because I am, as soon as I save up a whole lotta dollars, going to take this course in TM. How weird.

Okay...back to Chapter 2, What is the Problem.
I don't think it would be a "crap shoot" to guess what the problem is. (Lack of love for the self.) What she writes about is all the various "problems" that her clients come to her practice with. Illnesses, relationship issues, financial problems, and just basically, "my life doesn't work" stuff. Some of the comments she hears are, "I never get to do what I want to do. I can't please anyone. There is never any time for me. I am just a doormat. I have no talent. I can't do anything right. Nothing ever works for me."

I did go ahead and do the exercise here because I'm listening to the audio CD on the way to work in the mornings, so I kind of am doing this for the second time. (Just a teeny little cheat :)

Exercise is: I SHOULD........

The instruction was to make a list of 5 or 6 ways to finish the sentence, I should....

Not as easy as you would think. I could have written all day on that one. I chose the top 6 in my list. You wanna know what they are? I won't share them all, but if you know me at all, you might guess that one of them includes the word "pasta."

Louise says that she believes the word "should" is one of the most damaging words in our language. When her clients show her their answers to that exercise, she asks them, "Why?" Their answers reveal their limitations and where they are stuck in their beliefs. After that, she talks about the word, should.

The next part of the exercise is to change the beginning of the sentence to, "If I really wanted to, I could....." Oddly, it does make a difference by eliminating the word should.

The final part of the exercise is to answer the question, "Why haven't you?" The answers really are even more revealing. I discovered exactly how I have been berating myself about the shoulds in my life. For example:

I should eat less pasta.
(Why?) Because I would lose weight and have more energy.
If I really wanted to, I could eat less pasta. (Saying "could" instead of "should" gives us a choice.)
(Why haven't I?) Because I have no will power. (Wow! That's not a nice thing to say to me!)

Point taken.

The word "should" = wrong. Every time we say we "should" we are really saying that we are wrong. Replacing should with could, gives us a choice, and we are never wrong when we are making a choice. It's just a choice. And a choice = power. (I put that in! Thought of it all by myself! High 5!)

Louise says that we go through life criticizing ourselves constantly for all the things on our should list based on stuff that someone else told us about what we should do. We "should" be skinnier, smarter, prettier, etc. She writes that much of the stuff on our "should list" is stuff that we do to please someone else.

She points out immediately after the exercise that we "are only dealing with thought patterns, and the point of power is always in the present moment. Changes can begin in this moment."

After that "fun" exercise, I moved on to: Loving the Self.  The point is, that whatever the problem appears to be, loving the self is the "miracle cure." She is quick to say that this is not an arrogant, or conceited love of self. I have found that many people connect conceit and narcissism with loving ourselves too much, but I think this is like the difference between love and lust. That is something I have learned in this process. (Not the love vs. lust you dirty minded people! and for the record, I don't have a problem with a little lust here and there. Sorry kids.) Annnyyway....I think that the connection of self-love and conceit is one of the reasons people don't "allow" themselves the luxury of loving themselves too much. No one wants to appear conceited or arrogant. (Well, I don't, which is part of my issue I think.)

We do all sorts of things, behaviors, that indicate a lack of love of ourselves. No need to list, but you know what I mean (drinkin' smoking' fast cars, and dirty talk!) Louise says, "Lack of self-worth is another expression of not loving ourselves." She defines love as "an appreciation to such a degree that it fills my heart to bursting and overflows. Love can go in any direction." "If we deny our good in any way, it is an act of not loving ourselves."

I got this. Next exercise: Mirror Work. (Shit!)

I have to look in the mirror and say, "Patti, I love and accept you exactly as you are."

I get up, look in that big ass mirror, and staring back at me is a slightly crazy haired, looks better than she did at 5:30 am, I'm actually kinda cute now that I see myself, HEY! I am losing a little weight, DAMN I am one cute, (certain construction workers think I'm hot) cool-ass Granny!

Now, I'm not saying that I said the aforementioned affirmation with adornment or adulation, BUT I did it! It wasn't that bad. :)

Guess what "The Real Problem" is???

Are you seriously going to make me say it? Arggghhhh! "NOT LOVING THE SELF!" Goddammit! You should have known that! Just kidding! Jeez!

Oh - one mistake I made yesterday: the affirmation is at the beginning of each chapter, not the end! I'm learning, remember?

So, tonight I read Chapter 1. No exercises yet, remember I'm just reading it through the first time. Before I begin my, uhhh, re-cap of the first chapter, I'm going to "re-cap" (if you will) my day of affirmations practice.

I've gotta say, morning is not my best time of day. (That's not a good affirmation, by the way, and it is an affirmation.) I say this because, this is a major thing for me: I. DO.NOT.LIKE.WAKING.UP.EARLY! Never have, but the plan is that I will. 


Upon awakening, my plan is to say, out loud, "Thank you" to my bed. "Thank you for giving me a wonderful night's sleep, and for being so warm, soft, and comfortable. I love you." Well....that didn't happen today. Let's just say, I forgot. Really, I did forget. However, I went directly into my bathroom to "make water" as Hoke says on Driving Miss Daisy, and on the stumble-bumble walk down the hallway, was somehow able to shake some of those cobwebs out of my sleepy brain, and looked into my bathroom mirror, and said, "I love you Patti. I really, really love you."

Never in my life have I said "I love you" to such a crazy hair,  droopy-face looking, not believing this shit, person, but I did it! Louise says though, that you don't have to believe it, you just say it anyway because eventually it will sink in. So, there. I did it. Small steps.

In the shower, I proclaimed that I was "showering myself with good thoughts." On my way to work, I began listening to the audio CD, "You Can Heal Your Life" and then read my selected "Power Thought Cards" aloud. I did have a wonderful day, but then I do love my job. I work with wonderful people and they make the day fun. You're probably wondering then, how is my life so f--k'd up? Patience my darlings. All will be revealed in time. :) (My life really isn't f--k'd up though, technically. I actually have a really wonderful life, but....well...give it time.)

Okay....so Chapter 1: Louise says that we create our lives by the thoughts that we think. "What we think becomes the truth for us." I think that is very true. I really believe that the people who are the most successful, just don't see themselves as any thing other than that. She says, "Life is really very simple.

What we give out, we get back." I have no trouble relating to that. If someone, (my husband let's say) pushes a button with me, or picks a fight, I want to react the same way. He pushes, so I push back. One of my goals is to not push back. If I refuse to react, there is no fight. Now, the ultimate goal (what we give out, we get back) would be to react in the opposite way. He picks a fight, I react with love/understanding/compassion. Now that's some ultimate shit! But, it IS the goal.

Louise says that we learn how we feel about ourselves as children from the adults around us. If they tell us we're bad, stupid, ugly, slutty, trampy, da da dada, blah, blah (did I reveal a little sompin, sompin?), then that's how we view ourselves, and begin to treat ourselves. By the same token, if we're told as children that we are wonderful, and that we are loved, then that's how we view ourselves as well. I think most people experience a combination. I know I did. I had some wonderful, loving support that helped balance the negative, not good enough stuff. Thank God, or whomever, for that!

Seems the gist of Chapter 1 is that we can and do choose our thoughts. We have to learn to recognize what tapes we play in our heads, and change those patterns, and those thoughts. That's what the affirmations are for. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 101. Doesn't matter what you call it, if it works. I think this works.

Each chapter ends with an affirmation. The one she ends Chapter 1 with is:

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. I believe in a power far greater than I am that flows through me every moment of every day. I open myself to the wisdom within, knowing that there is only One Intelligence in this Universe. Out of the One Intelligence comes all the answers, all the solutions, all the headings, all the new creations. I trust this Power and Intelligence, knowing that whatever I need to know is revealed to me, and that whatever I need comes to me in the right time, space, and sequence. All is well in my world."

I have no doubts about all the love in my life, except maybe my own. That is my project. I am so fortunate that I have three absolutely amazing grown children, two, count 'em, precious grand boys, wonderful siblings, parents, friends, on and on. So much to be grateful for. But, I do have work to do, so....

I love you Patti. You are wonderful, lovable, smart (brilliant really), and beautiful! I really, really love you!

Okay...well, this is new for me. Blogging, I mean. So here goes my new adventure! "My Life Class" is my process of transforming my life based on a book by Louise Hay called, "You Can Heal Your Life." I struggled with the title, because it is not my intention to make this a "life class" for anyone other than myself. I will be taking the "life class" while reading "You Can Heal Your Life" and simply sharing how it goes, as it goes.

I thought about calling this blog, "Healing My Life: The Experiment" but I have no doubt that Louise Hay's method works. Her method is very simple; very basic. It's learning to love yourself by changing the way you speak to yourself, and changing negative thought patterns into loving, positive ones. Affirmations are a major part of this work, as is simply telling yourself that you love yourself, and that you are wonderful.

Before I begin the work, Louise instructs the reader, (that would be, ahem, me) to read the book through first, then go back to the beginning to re-read and do the work. Sounds pretty simple. Hmmmm....

In the meantime, I have begun to use some of the affirmations every day. I try to remember to "thank" my bed every morning for giving me a good night's sleep, and for being soft and warm and comfortable. I also tell myself that "today is going to be a wonderful day." I know, I know...it sounds crazy, but I'm just getting started. When I go into the bathroom, I look in the mirror and say to myself, "I love you Patti. I really, really love you." On my way to work, I take about five of her Power Thought Cards that I bought a few years ago, and simply read them out loud to myself. I'm quite sure I get some pretty, ummm...concerned looks from other drivers, but it's okay. I'm healing my life folks. I'm healing my life. Tonight when I take my shower, I'll say to myself, "I'm showering myself with love!"