Okaaay...I don't think I can convince anyone that I am "blogging" regularly at this point. I guess I've gotten a kind of "log" in my "blog." I have been working though, at least. Still voicing my affirmations every day, faithfully.

I've progressed farther in the book than I've blogged about so far as well. That's okay cuz I don't think anyone really checks on me. Sooo...I'll catch up and remind myself that this course is for me, and not subject to anyone's approval or validation.

I have to say though that a "sticking" point with me is that, unlike the privacy of a journal, this does give others an opportunity to read what are usually my private thoughts. This makes my being entirely honest, difficult. Well, impossible I would say.

The other issue is that the reason I am doing this, at this time in my life, has to do with the fact that my daughter has cancer and....well....dealing with that is taking a huge toll on my strength. This course, at this time, for me is about building the strength to get through this unimaginable time. I don't want to make this the focus though, or make her experience of cancer about me in any way. I do have my experience as the mother of a girl who is experiencing the illness of cancer. I think I have to talk about it, which I have avoided, mainly because I didn't want to make her illness and her battle with it about me. I know it's not about me. But....as her mom, it is....a daily struggle to get out of bed, be nice to mean people, plant a smile on my face, laugh at jokes, remain optimistic, find any joy in life at all, be strong, and mostly.... not curl up and die.

Which....brings me to Chapter Five: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

Decide to Change....This sounds easy, and in many ways, I think it is. Just make the decision to change. Easier said than done of course. It is probably the most important decision (and affirmation) in the entire course. There is an affirmation that I practice which is just "I am willing to change." Louise recommends that I say that over and over, "I am willing to change. I am willing to change. I am willing to change." She  says it's a good idea to even touch your throat as you affirm the willingness to change. I actually do this, yes, in my car even. While my left hand manages the steering wheel, my right hand is affixed to my larynx, repeating, "I am willing to change. I am willing to release old negative beliefs. They are only thoughts that stand in my way. My new thoughts are positive and fulfilling." I image people seeing me wondering if I've got one of those "voice boxes" or whether I'm rehearsing for a part in a Sci-Fi movie or something, like I'm saying, "Beam me up Scotty" or something! Don't care! I just keep doing it every day.

One area I have trouble with though, is the "mirror work." God...I look like Diana Dead Eyes whenever I look at myself and say, "I love you, I really love you" or anything really. That is so damn difficult for me! I can do it, I just look like a Puritan having sex! DEAD! Oh well, I will keep working on it because Louise Hay says that the mirror work is the most important part. I really need to work on that at home. I hate homework!

Back to Chapter 4: Louise says that one way we know affirmations are working is that "stuff" will come up. We'll get angrier, more stubborn, and withdrawn. Maybe that's what's been going on with me. She says that when this happens, we should know that we're "hitting an important point of change."

She compares the mental work I, or the reader, am doing to "housecleaning." Just as we clean our house, room by room, we should go through and examine our thoughts, one at time, throwing out the things (thoughts) we no longer need, that are no longer useful, and keeping the ones that are.

One thing my practice has helped me with is this mental "housecleaning." I am learning to observe my thoughts and even catch myself in the midst of a negative thought, and then change the thought. I feel that is really great progress for me. It is getting easier and easier to catch myself, and recognize those negative thought patterns. During this difficult time, I know this will be an extremely important skill for me to develop.

As I continue to affirm my willingness to change, and touch my throat while repeating the affirmation, I am acknowledging, by touching my throat, that I am in the process of change. She says to "be aware that where you DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE is exactly the area where you NEED to change the most." Further, it is like when you change your physical diet, like giving up junk food, and going on a good nutritional diet, you feel kind of crappy for a day or so. In the same way, when you give up old thought patterns for new, better, healthier ones, your circumstances can feel a little worse for a while. This is normal apparently and a good sign that what you're doing is working.

Here's the exercise for this chapter:

Wiling to Change - First, go look in the mirror and say, "I am willing to change."  Louise says to notice how you feel when you say that. (I feel okay with this one....still look like an Ice Princess though) She says to notice if you feel resistant or hesitant or you just don't want to change, ask yourself why. What old belief are you holding on to? Now she says to go back to the mirror, hand on throat, look deep into your own eyes and say out loud ten times, "I am willing to release all resistance."

The reason mirror work is so important, Louise says, is because "when we were children, we received most of our negative messages from others looking us straight in the eye and maybe even shaking a finger in our face. Whenever we look at ourselves in the mirror today, we will usually say something critical or negative to ourselves." WOW! This is an AHA moment for me! I'm onboard with the mirror work!

I decided to change up the affirmation cards I use every day for a while. A couple of them that I really like are:

"As I move through the layers of other people's opinions and beliefs, I see within myself a magnificent being, wise and beautiful. I love what I see in me."

And,

"I free myself and everyone in my life from old past hurts. They are free and I am free to move into new, glorious experiences."

So, I'll end with the end of chapter, or is it beginning of the next chapter, affirmation:

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. I now choose calmly and objectively to see my old patterns, and I am willing to make changes. I am teachable. I can learn. I am willing to change. I choose to have fun doing this. I choose to react as though I have found a treasure when I discover something else to release. I see and feel myself changing moment my moment. Thoughts no longer have any power over me. I am the power in the world. I choose to be free. All is well in my world."

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. The past has no power over me because I am willing tho learn and to change. I see the past as necessary to bring me to where I am today. I am willing to begin where I am right now to clean the rooms of my mental house. I know it does not matter where I start, so I now begin with the smallest and the easiest rooms, and in that way I will see results quickly. I am thrilled to be in the middle of this adventure, for I know I will never go through this particular experience again. I am willing to set myself free. All is well in my world."

"All is well in my world" has become my "go-to" mantra. I'm just saying'.... Even if it doesn't feel real to say that, if I really think about it, all really is well in my world. When I consider the problems and suffering of others, some close to me, I tend to be much more appreciative of the world in which I live. Even when my world seems darkest, I do not have to look far away to see someone who suffers in ways I cannot imagine. Anyway....

Chapter 4 - Is It True?


"Truth is the unchangeable part of me."


This chapter is a continuation of the self-examination that began with Chapters 2 & 3 which dealt with identifying the problem and where it came from. Don't forget, the real problem being, not loving yourself (well, myself). I discovered that a lot of what I learned about myself, my beliefs, about myself came from messages I received from the adults around me when I was young. This makes perfect sense to me and helps me realize that I have to identify those "broken records" I play over and over, and then change my "tune" (how's that little play on words?).

I have been faithfully reciting my affirmations on my way to work every day; all 14 cards. However, I have fallen off on the practice of "loving" myself in the mirror and "loving" my bed every morning. I'm going to get back on the wagon though. It seems I allowed this to happen possibly when I loaned my car to my Kelly to use to drive to Atlanta to see Gina for the week. In my own car, I was listening to the "Heal Your Life" course on CD and it seemed to have helped my stay focused on all the affirmations Louise teaches. Kelly's car doesn't have the CD player, so well, addicts do "fall off the wagon" many times before they are able to change the behavior, and I believe we (I) am addicted to certain thought patterns.

Okay, so the question of, "Is it true?" What I read in this chapter is that, it is true if we believe it is, and it is not true if we don't. Whatever we believe becomes true for us.

(Can I just stop here and say that one of the places I get myself "tripped up" here, is that I read this wonderful, meaningful information, and then rather than think about my beliefs, etc., I keep thinking of others and where they are going "wrong." That is a pretty big trap for me. I become distracted from what I  am working on for myself by allowing my ego to imagine what everyone is doing around me and where their issues are stemming from. Wow! Gotta stop that shit!)

Back to business....

Some of what Louise says here about problems as they are related to beliefs are: (for example) you may say that you have no friends. That may be your view if your belief is that nobody loves you. If you experience a lot of financial difficulty, that may stem from a belief that you are not worthy of having money. Since reading this chapter, twice now, I still struggle with what my beliefs are about myself, and relating them to issues in my life. I know that I have some very negative memories of messages I received when I was little. I also, thankfully, received some really wonderful, loving messages that were life saving for me during difficult times.

I remember as a child feeling like I didn't matter much. I felt basically, invisible. I didn't ask for much, so of course I didn't get much. I believe that I unknowingly contributed to the negative beliefs I developed because I just didn't ask for what I wanted, or tell anyone what I needed. I felt that my family didn't really know me at all. Eventually, I began to see myself as just a really private person. I have had some feelings of resentment, not strongly, but still there, at the idea that the people closest to me didn't take the time to get to know me. I still struggle with this in my marriage. I get really pissed, or I used to get really pissed, that my husband couldn't tell anyone things about me (accurately) that I thought he should know. Is that really realistic of me to have had those expectations of my family and my husband? If I'm not willing to share much information, there is no way anyone can really know me.

I think I have wanted, expected, people to prove to me that I matter, or that they love me, by paying close enough attention to me to know my likes and dislikes.

So, is it true that the people closest to me did, or do not, take the time to get to know me? Am I invisible? Do I not matter? Only if it is true for me. That makes sense. No one can impose their truth on me. Louise says that "Whatever the problem is, it comes from a thought pattern, and thought patterns can be changed. It may feel true, it may seem true...However, no matter how difficult an issue we are dealing with, it is only an outer result or the effect of an inner thought pattern.

She recommends that what I need to ask myself is, "Is it true for me now?" and "Where did that belief come from?"

The thing is though, I am actually an optimist! It may not seem like it, but I really am. I think a lot of my negative thought patterns are more about not feeling loved, or not feeling good enough. I know where these came from and that is what I work on most. Thankfully, because I am an optimistic person, I also believe that if I practice what Louise teaches here, that I will learn to love myself and overcome the negative thought patterns I tend to have.

If those thought patterns, the negative beliefs, can be changed into positive, happy thought patterns, then there is no reason that this same system of beliefs, that whatever we believe becomes true for us, won't work as well on the subconscious as the old, negative beliefs did.

If I wake up and declare that it's going to be a crappy day, then how can I expect it to be a good day? I've already decided. Louise says, "If we want a joyous life, we must think joyous thoughts. If we want a loving life, we must think loving thoughts. Whatever we send out mentally or verbally will come back to us in like form."

She writes that I should pay attention to my thoughts; catch myself, and then ask myself if I would want whatever I'm thinking to become true for me? I think a good time to catch myself in action here would be when someone comes in to my work and feels entitled to take their bad mood out on me. That can be really hurtful, and has had the effect of making me feel badly about myself for a while. It can feel embarrassing to have someone "go off" on you. I have to choose to allow that person the power to make me feel bad. And if I react with anger, that is what I'll get back. (I'll most likely have a chance to practice this one tomorrow.)

When it comes to choosing our thoughts, Louise says we should imagine ourselves in line at a cafeteria, where there a lots of choices, like so many different kinds of foods to choose from. Just as we can choose what foods to put on our plate, we get to choose the thoughts we think. She says that when we choose thoughts that are bad for us, it's just like choosing foods that make us sick. That doesn't make any sense at all. Why would we choose anything that is bad for us?

My thoughts "diet" is something I need to learn to choose wisely, so I'll end this blog with an affirmation:

"I lovingly balance my mind and my body. I now choose thoughts that make me feel good." :)