Okaaay...I don't think I can convince anyone that I am "blogging" regularly at this point. I guess I've gotten a kind of "log" in my "blog." I have been working though, at least. Still voicing my affirmations every day, faithfully.

I've progressed farther in the book than I've blogged about so far as well. That's okay cuz I don't think anyone really checks on me. Sooo...I'll catch up and remind myself that this course is for me, and not subject to anyone's approval or validation.

I have to say though that a "sticking" point with me is that, unlike the privacy of a journal, this does give others an opportunity to read what are usually my private thoughts. This makes my being entirely honest, difficult. Well, impossible I would say.

The other issue is that the reason I am doing this, at this time in my life, has to do with the fact that my daughter has cancer and....well....dealing with that is taking a huge toll on my strength. This course, at this time, for me is about building the strength to get through this unimaginable time. I don't want to make this the focus though, or make her experience of cancer about me in any way. I do have my experience as the mother of a girl who is experiencing the illness of cancer. I think I have to talk about it, which I have avoided, mainly because I didn't want to make her illness and her battle with it about me. I know it's not about me. But....as her mom, it is....a daily struggle to get out of bed, be nice to mean people, plant a smile on my face, laugh at jokes, remain optimistic, find any joy in life at all, be strong, and mostly.... not curl up and die.

Which....brings me to Chapter Five: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

Decide to Change....This sounds easy, and in many ways, I think it is. Just make the decision to change. Easier said than done of course. It is probably the most important decision (and affirmation) in the entire course. There is an affirmation that I practice which is just "I am willing to change." Louise recommends that I say that over and over, "I am willing to change. I am willing to change. I am willing to change." She  says it's a good idea to even touch your throat as you affirm the willingness to change. I actually do this, yes, in my car even. While my left hand manages the steering wheel, my right hand is affixed to my larynx, repeating, "I am willing to change. I am willing to release old negative beliefs. They are only thoughts that stand in my way. My new thoughts are positive and fulfilling." I image people seeing me wondering if I've got one of those "voice boxes" or whether I'm rehearsing for a part in a Sci-Fi movie or something, like I'm saying, "Beam me up Scotty" or something! Don't care! I just keep doing it every day.

One area I have trouble with though, is the "mirror work." God...I look like Diana Dead Eyes whenever I look at myself and say, "I love you, I really love you" or anything really. That is so damn difficult for me! I can do it, I just look like a Puritan having sex! DEAD! Oh well, I will keep working on it because Louise Hay says that the mirror work is the most important part. I really need to work on that at home. I hate homework!

Back to Chapter 4: Louise says that one way we know affirmations are working is that "stuff" will come up. We'll get angrier, more stubborn, and withdrawn. Maybe that's what's been going on with me. She says that when this happens, we should know that we're "hitting an important point of change."

She compares the mental work I, or the reader, am doing to "housecleaning." Just as we clean our house, room by room, we should go through and examine our thoughts, one at time, throwing out the things (thoughts) we no longer need, that are no longer useful, and keeping the ones that are.

One thing my practice has helped me with is this mental "housecleaning." I am learning to observe my thoughts and even catch myself in the midst of a negative thought, and then change the thought. I feel that is really great progress for me. It is getting easier and easier to catch myself, and recognize those negative thought patterns. During this difficult time, I know this will be an extremely important skill for me to develop.

As I continue to affirm my willingness to change, and touch my throat while repeating the affirmation, I am acknowledging, by touching my throat, that I am in the process of change. She says to "be aware that where you DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE is exactly the area where you NEED to change the most." Further, it is like when you change your physical diet, like giving up junk food, and going on a good nutritional diet, you feel kind of crappy for a day or so. In the same way, when you give up old thought patterns for new, better, healthier ones, your circumstances can feel a little worse for a while. This is normal apparently and a good sign that what you're doing is working.

Here's the exercise for this chapter:

Wiling to Change - First, go look in the mirror and say, "I am willing to change."  Louise says to notice how you feel when you say that. (I feel okay with this one....still look like an Ice Princess though) She says to notice if you feel resistant or hesitant or you just don't want to change, ask yourself why. What old belief are you holding on to? Now she says to go back to the mirror, hand on throat, look deep into your own eyes and say out loud ten times, "I am willing to release all resistance."

The reason mirror work is so important, Louise says, is because "when we were children, we received most of our negative messages from others looking us straight in the eye and maybe even shaking a finger in our face. Whenever we look at ourselves in the mirror today, we will usually say something critical or negative to ourselves." WOW! This is an AHA moment for me! I'm onboard with the mirror work!

I decided to change up the affirmation cards I use every day for a while. A couple of them that I really like are:

"As I move through the layers of other people's opinions and beliefs, I see within myself a magnificent being, wise and beautiful. I love what I see in me."

And,

"I free myself and everyone in my life from old past hurts. They are free and I am free to move into new, glorious experiences."

So, I'll end with the end of chapter, or is it beginning of the next chapter, affirmation:

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. I now choose calmly and objectively to see my old patterns, and I am willing to make changes. I am teachable. I can learn. I am willing to change. I choose to have fun doing this. I choose to react as though I have found a treasure when I discover something else to release. I see and feel myself changing moment my moment. Thoughts no longer have any power over me. I am the power in the world. I choose to be free. All is well in my world."